So, what we should all establish from me writing this almost two months after I said that I would be posting regularly is that I can not stick to my own self-enforced schedule. Now don't misunderstand me, I believe that I am an organised to an extent, I can organise myself and fit around important schedules that do actually greatly impact other peoples' lives, however, this blog serves as an example of something in my life that gets put on the back burner while other things are going on. Between study, and mocks, and having an existential crisis every other day, life has been reasonably crowded (I've also started about 6 billion new tv shows but we'll ignore that for now, thank you). I think, quite frankly, I've just become really slack at allocating time outside of essay writing to actually write for my own pure, enjoyment.
It should be noted that on the most part I enjoy my subjects at school, but an essay on Kristallnacht or the impact of the Protestant Reformation on Renaissance art doesn't really put me in the most creative mood when writing. I've found that I not only miss writing dumb little poems and phrases and blog posts but I'm actually yearning to do it. Yet, every time I've sat down to write a post an immense wave of guilt washes over me as I remember the essay that I could be writing instead. In a world that measures my worth by the grade on my report rather than the creativity of my words why would I ever spend time on a casual, theoretically unimportant blog when I could potentially improve one of my essay grades? Moreover, I've also noticed that this year, the most important year of high school, I've redirected my focus entirely on my grades and not allowed myself any time to read this year. I have usually read a stack of books as tall as myself by this time each year, but this time round I've read a measly 9 books. All of these books were greatly enriching, ranging from an auto-biography from a North Korea defector to the political philosophies of Plato, but with everything good in life it hasn't been enough. I have already begun compiling a list of books I want to read next year not including the ones for Our Shared Shelf and The Banging Bookclub, lets hope for a better year of reading. I suppose the take away message from this albeit ramble-y blog post is that we all need to start spreading ourselves a bit better between our compulsory commitments and those things we want to do for fun. The past two years of my life I've burnt myself out trying to keep on top of school work, because contrary to what I said at the beginning of this post I'm not a naturally organised person. I have to try very hard to be that way, and I do actually succeed, but it burns me out. I over-commit myself, and I end up in this tired mess at the end of the year who is then plunged into working full-time outside, something which makes school comparatively easy and fun for me. And after all this, all these educated anecdotes about not over working myself, I will still spend the next month up late at night studying for exams because I will probably forever prioritise grades over myself, and forever try to convince myself thats ok. Pray for me and what will be my fried brain after these exams. - C
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